Do You and Your Lover Speak the Same Language?

Here is where it is.

Now is when it is.​

You are what it is.

~ Werner Erhard​

Have you ever been caught between relationships, where you meet an attractive woman who is actually nice to you, but you haven’t a clue if she is all that interested in you?

She may actually like you and want to get to know you, but speak a very different language. Or, she may find you only mildly interesting, while not knowing how to put you off in an overt way.

In either case, you are open to confusion, disappointment and bitter disillusionment if you fail to read between the lines.

I speak as a man who has met dozens and dozens of women over many years in many different ways. Along the way, I had read such books as Dr. John Grey’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus with great amusement. It sure did seem that we were often in separate worlds and could barely speak each other’s language.

Yet, there is a more practical distinction that applies equally to gay and straight couples.

It is based upon the realization that we are either driven by fear or love, and that establishing intimacy requires a certain amount of transparency and vulnerability that sets us up for possible exploitation. Take no risks; get no kiss. It is almost that simple.​

Four Love Styles

The four love styles are four separate ways of saying “I love you,” often coming from very different places. All of us may experience each style from time to time, both in ourselves and in those we encounter.

We will, however, major in one style over another. It is possible for someone to truly be in love with you, and come off as yet another friend, or a wild romantic, or a seasoned game player or a hard-nosed dealer.

You might ask yourself, “If that is people’s way of expressing love, why bother?” Yet finding your true love is an incomparable experience that can make your life a glorious adventure. Who would pass on an offer like that?​

1. The Friend

“Let’s just be friends” is the ultimate downer for a suitor with concrete designs on a woman.

Often “friends” and “lovers” are antonyms. You can’t possibly be both at the same time. A lover is a strange and exotic opponent in a game with ultimate stakes. A friend is just another brother or sister. How exciting is that?

Yet sometimes a woman really does want to marry her best friend, and she may even have sexual feelings toward him. She wouldn’t imagine sleeping with a stranger or spending serious time with anyone who was not her favorite companion.

This all makes sense. Before we get jaded, and we meet a beautiful woman or a dashingly handsome man, we are thrilled by the possibility of actually being friends with this wonderful creature. Holding hands need not be juvenile. After all, the Beatle’s got famous with “I wanna hold your hand!”.​

2.  The Romantic

Romantics are in love with love. They imagine themselves in a play with an important dramatic role, whether Romeo in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, or Jack Dawson in James Cameron’s Titanic. Their women are only the most beautiful in the world. The only acceptable emotion is passion. The only acceptable terms are “Endless Love.”

Romantics are actually fun. Most people secretly want someone quite different from them. They certain don’t want to marry a carbon copy of themselves, unless they are Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones. People want excitement with true camaraderie and shared values.

Romantics are rarely dangerous, but often incredibly naïve. You often tire of them quickly, because of their shadow, from which they all too often shrink. If they don’t get their way, they like to throw temper tantrums. It is never fun breaking up with one.

As we move to the next love style… this song seemed appropriate... No More I Love You’s by Annie Lennox.​

3.  The Game Player

Game players are not always con men. Sexually focused, they occasionally start out as idealists and quickly become cynics when they don’t readily get what they want.

Often they have money and power. Sometimes they are just socially shrewd and know how to manipulate the game.

What really makes the game player is an actual love for the game, itself, rather than for what he or she can get out of it.

It is as if they want to permanently set up shop on The Strip in Las Vegas. It can be incredibly fun to meet new women, and an exciting adventure to go to bed with a stranger. Disregard that is rarely fulfilling. Why not go for cheap thrills?

Two of the best films exposing game playing at the marital level are Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, along with Peter O’Toole and Katherine Hepburn in The Lion in Winter.

It is all about scheming and foiling the competition. When you get cynical enough, there is nothing like it!

4.  The Dealer

Dealers are brutally honest and genuinely try to be fair. This is much like the joke of being “a working woman” or of prostitution being “the oldest profession.”

The dealer wants a repeat clientele. He wants people coming back for more. He or she doesn’t overcharge, but tries to give his clients their money’s worth.

Dealers don’t simply dwell on the fringes of society. They are often powerful people who have all the perks and playthings you can imagine.​

More than one has run for the U.S. Presidency. Traditionally, it was, “You clean the house and take care of the kids. I will bring back the bacon.” More recently, it has amounted to signing off on a prenuptial agreement.

Dealers want intimacy, just like everyone else, but they need to keep type boundaries to protect their sanity.

This is equally true of highly career-motivated men or women. An interesting film to study in this regard is Madonna playing the role of Eva Peron in Evita.

Eva literally danced her way up to the top echelons of society, marrying the President of Argentina. She was actually loved by her people; so this was anything but a tragedy.

Another delightful, if totally fictitious, movie making the same point was Richard Gere against Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.​

The Alternative: Divine Love

What is possible that could transform every one of the love styles is for you to create a conscious relationship with someone by having you both wake up, and having the relationship, itself, be a gateway to enlightenment.

This is not as far-fetched as it may seem.

Women are incredibly gifted at gauging the potential of a man, and bringing that out into the world.

Men who wise up begin to realize that women are, indeed, more powerful, and that a couple that feeds each other power can change the world, much like a virtuous cycle upward.

While this might be a stretch, the marriage between Bill and Hillary Clinton is interesting, despite Bill’s high-profile indiscretions. It seems as if the world is witnessing some strange and wonderful partnership between them that defies logic.

There is no denying Bill Clinton’s role in changing the world by bringing in the Age of the Internet. It is also very clear that Hillary is the sort of person who will never give up. They may make history yet again.

The love that can change the world lies deep within you. As you begin to bring it up to the surface, you will begin to develop compassion for everyone you meet. You will be a little less attached and more intent on serving them.​

Initiating True Intimacy

The first and last step is always, “WHAT CAN I GIVE?”

When you are more intent on giving than getting, things will open up for you. While true givers are in a minority, you will find more and more of them these days. They treasure everyone they meet. They are genuinely thankful that you have entered their life.

Remember, you don’t have to have a lot of material possessions. It is what is in your heart that ultimately counts. A glance, a smile, a flower picked from an adjacent meadow, all make a difference.

Why not join the revolution in conscious love?​

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