How Too Much Neediness Sabotages Romance

Have you ever stumbled across the Love of Your Life only to flip out?

You were managing your life quite nicely, taking classes in a local college, getting regular promotions on the job and suddenly the most beautiful creature Heaven ever made crosses your path and actually smiles at you. Surely you must be dreaming this.

I’ll bet you stopped being so cool and got highly distracted. You may have approached her only to find your mouth dry out and your voice crack. You felt like a fool. Perhaps you had sufficient wits to put your pick up act in motion, and even had the presence to ask her a couple of questions.

Miracle of miracles, you wangled her phone number, email or Facebook address, and you suggested that the two of you meet next week at Starbuck’s. She said yes, and your mind went on hyperdrive. You could almost hear the most glorious wedding bells in the distance.​

My True Confession

I am not the best person in the world to advise you to stop being needy, as I have been a basket case myself for many years. I came from a broken family. At best, I have average looks. I couldn’t even fake being a jock, and I never officially got an advanced degree. To top it off, I have been challenged in my efforts to get rich throughout most of my working life.

If it worked to be needy, I would most certainly advise it. I have been sufficiently driven to meet thousands of women in my life and have been fortunate enough to become friends with a few. I have had lackluster girlfriends who didn’t really turn me on, and I have met a handful of women in my life who could pass for goddesses who actually let me share their life in some significant way.

I would be the last one to tell you to shrink back from your dreams. If you meet a truly stunning lady, by all means go for it. You will never regret it, even if you strike out. Women respect courage. Even starlets long for true friends. You have some hidden attribute or talent that some woman may appreciate, and she may even be pretty.

What you can’t afford to do is blow it before you even get off the ground by failing to reel-in your would be passion and take everything one step at a time. Take small and conscious steps forward.​

When Need Turns into Neediness

We all want companionship, love and intimacy. We all dream of being rapturously caught up in romance in a world where money is no object and you can readily have anything you want, even your own tropical island.

Thanks to decades of Hollywood, we can all too easily feel entitled. In the movies, it all seems so easy! That is because they are scripted.

In real life, the lady will throw you out on your ass for being too needy. Try calling her more than once a day. Constantly engage with her on social media. Bury her with flowers and expensive gifts. Make sure she truly appreciates you by telling her all the gory details of your life early on. Ask her for a commitment before she full remembers your name. NOT!

Neediness shows up in various ways. Here is another great example…​

I know there are spectacular exceptions, such as Steve Jobs, Founder and CEO of Apple Inc., meeting Laurene Powell at Stanford in the early 1990’s. Laurene was, and still is, a most beautiful woman. She was a graduate student in business there. Steve was giving the lecture for the evening, still in his prime and quite dashing.

Steve had never been married, had already made history and was worth millions. Steve started to walk out of the lecture hall, when he suddenly introduced himself to Laurene, asked her to join him that very evening for dinner and never let her get away until the day he passed on.

If you have everything to offer and are highly leveraged, you can attract and turn down all kinds of gorgeous women. If you are a famous rock star, you may literally not have enough time to be too needy. So this may not be a problem for you.

For the rest of us, read on.

How to Win the Love of Your Life

You CAN win the love of your life…if you can find her. If you are like me, it might take you most of your life. Whatever you do, make sure that she is someone that steps up your breathing and speeds up your heart. That’s OK!

When you run into her, breathe deeply, notice the rising tide of fearful thoughts. Tell your own mind, “Thank you for sharing.”

Say something, anything. Preferably an open question that will get her to talk. Tell her that you normally never do this, but that there was something about her that was so compelling that you had to come up and speak with her. It could be her hair, her eyes, her skin, her face. Whatever it is, you will find in her a feminine presence that utterly takes your breath away. Be REAL!​

Now you may think that this is stupid, that she will see right through this. If you really ARE swept away by her, she will sense that, possibly even be moved by that. She will begin to open up.

Maintain a conversational flow, and whatever you do, invite her to meet you again in a casual environment where you can talk without too many distractions. Set a time if you can, and get her number or address.

Ask her a lot of questions. If she starts asking questions back, it is a very good sign. Thank her for giving you the time of day and repeat how much you look forward to seeing her again.

Now, COOL IT! Try not to get carried away, even though every fiber of your being aches to be with her right away. Call a friend. Go out with the guys. Even go out on casual dates with other women.

You might work out or take a long walk, so that you can sleep at night. (My first infatuation resulted in a couple of sleepless nights. Out of that, I wrote my first really good poem.)

Then, remind her in advance of the meeting and look for her at Starbucks. If she shows up, eager to meet you and know more about you, you are on. If not, move on. From here, it may be days, weeks or months. Let her lead on intimacy. LIKE HER. CARE ABOUT HER. GIVE HER 100% ATTENTION.

You Can Never Get Enough of What You Don’t Really Want

At this point, it is important to remember that you seek love and validation on the deepest possible level. If you think any one woman can do it all for you without your doing anything on your own, think again.

Your impulse to put her on a pedestal will only work against you.​

Although a goddess, she is every bit as human as you. If things go well, she is looking to you for leadership. Unless you are infinitely wise, you will need to look within for guidance.

You don’t really want the woman in place of God. You want the woman as a means of finding God. You want to walk a path of joyful service. In the midst of her matchless beauty, what you really see is the Sacred Presence.​

The One Sure Place to Find Endless Love

If you are spiritually anchored, if you have a practice, a conscious community, a relationship with the divine, you will find the inner resources to move forward to build the relationship of your dreams. This goes for both man and woman.

As you grow in devotion to our Source, you will find that God really is LOVE. As you become more conscious of God, you will become more conscious of a Love that is infinite. As you mirror that Love, that Love will become increasingly accessible to you.

What started as lust (and neediness) will be sanctified, transformed into a divine romance between you, her and God that can change the world (your world included).

Why don’t you turn within right now to find guidance around your perfect mate? You will be glad you did.

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